Had to share ..HILARIOUS
Yours, Mine and Theirs: 10 Ideas that Sounded Good…Until I Had Kids
Before accumulating seven children, I had ideas. They were good ideas, and they had merit, damn it. Those ideas were so soundly rooted into my envisioned future as a parent, I doubted neither their wisdom, nor my ability and desire to carry them out. Wanna hear some? (It’s okay to laugh out loud at my shortsightedness.)
1. Natural Childbirth is the ONLY Way to Go. This particular vow was begging to be broken after 39 hours of labor. I cried for an epidural, only to be turned down because my labor had “progressed too far.” Obviously, it hadn’t progressed far enough, since the elephant in my uterus hadn’t found its way out, right?
2. ONLY All-Organic Baby Food, Hand-Prepared by Me. It was pretty easy to stand on an organic high horse when all I had to do was pop a nipple into his mouth, but when it came time for cereals and other soft foods… It’s a long, long fall from that high horse, folks. I still have the bruises to prove it.
3. Co-Sleeping is Where It’s At. When I was a single mom, co-sleeping seemed like a fabulous idea. Then, I met Mr. Wright, who’d also jumped on the co-sleeping bandwagon. Suddenly, there were seven in the bed — two of them adults with a new relationship to, um, consummate. Commence Operation Nix Co-Sleeping!
4. I’ll NEVER Parent Like I was Parented. Sad, but true… I am two Don’t-Make-Me-Stop-This-Cars, one Wait-Until-You-Have-Kids-of-Your-Own, and a fraction of a Someday-You’ll-Thank-Me from becoming my mother.
5. My Kids will NEVER be “Those Kids” Running Wild in Public. Funny, isn’t it? When it’s MY kids, they aren’t “running wild.” They’re… “High-energy!” “Being kids!” “Getting exercise, because I’m a good mom, and exercise is important!” “(Insert positive spin here!)” Yep… Those are my kids, running up and down the aisles of the grocery, between tables at restaurants, and nearly toppling racks at Macy’s.
6. I’ll NEVER Take My Kids to McDonald’s. I’m vegan, but… They have an indoor playground. And free wi-fi. And coffee. And for the love of Pete, Mama has to get some work done, and these kids will NOT shut up about chicken nuggets — I surrender!
7. I’ll NEVER Bribe My Kids. Frankly, I don’t think of it as “bribery.” I think of it as “bartering.” A cookie, in exchange for all the Legos off the floor, seems like a steal to me!
8. Of COURSE I’ll Homeschool. It’s a skill set I don’t possess — all that organization and planning and follow-through. Also? I realized I like my kids a lot more if they leave for a few hours each day.
9. I’ll Always Be a FRIEND to My Kids. I thought I could be the cool, permissive mom, but… I read the news. Seriously, I know, right this minute, any of my kids could be a victim of: kidnapping, rape, murder, human trafficking, MRSA, SARS, H1N1, HIV, HPV, teen pregnancy (giving or receiving), drug addiction and/or overdose and even (shudder) the twerking craze. No, I have to be a parent. Know what you get by being a “friend” to your kid? You get Miley Cyrus at the VMAs. Just ask Billy Ray.
10. I Will NEVER Lose My Shit and Yell at My Kids. Please, tell me no explanation is needed, here?