Workouts and the great personal trainer

Aside

This weight loss journey has been an interesting one …

Highlights :

-My body craves veggies and exercise -literally !! ( although I can not run right now I hurt my knee )

-I eat every two hours small portions and am no longer afraid of restaurants -I make “swap ” choices automatically.

-I actually like fruit -mainly apples with cheese BUT that’s a fruit damn it !

-I found a super low cal wine sure ill share – our Daily Red Organic Wine  only 414 calories per BOTTLE

Downsides :

-Hurt my knee ( not telling how just know that it involved a fall..and a shower ) I know nothing to do with working out

-I make an hour a day to work out ( that is hard for me ) when Chris works and its 95 degrees outs it’s (almost )  downright impossible ..

-I’m getting tired of hummus and lunch meat

-I don’t get to drink as much wine as I would like

-I lie alot on myfitnesspal ..I put run instead of walk ..walk instead of run and I forget to log food and then WAY over log shit I haven’t eaten yet ..I’m not sure this tool is working for me

Things I have learned :

-Drink two 8 ounce glasses of water RIGHT when u wake up -( boosts metabolism) for added “fun ” add lemon or lime to water
-Three week carb cleanse -eat  no carbs after lunch on week one ( including fruit ) -no carbs after 3:00PM  week two -then after that always 50 percent protein with all meals  and 10-20 % carbs 30-40 % veggies ( this is kinda a diabetic diet BUT I don’t do well with carbs so it works for me )
 -Eat 5-13 servings of veggies and fruit a day (2½ cups is a serving ..)
-Almond milk is not really all that healthy -goat milk is the best.
Happy to share and you are welcome 🙂
And here is what happened to me with the personal trainer : ( true story -EVERY WORD )
I got a free trail gym membership in the mail -this includes a free personal training session…yayyaya I thought ..I had my list of questions :
wl_Page_1
I wore my matching workout clothes.
I was ready ..
And then I saw him -and by him I mean half man-half angel..
I grew up in sunny San Diego …everyone is beautiful. Have seen my share of celebrities…..HOWEVER this was the hottest human I have ever seen.
He was cowboy-ish ( not usually my type ) with a hint of boy next door ..and a sprinkle of naughty biker dude ,,,( I know I should have taken a pic on the sly ..)
AND SO I did what any normal human being would do ..made a complete ass of myself .
Let me break it down:
( for those of you with little ones you know you just sang the yo-gabba gabba song when reading break it down )
“HI I’m Tom “
“Steph here ” ( WTF -steph reporting for duty ? )
after inviting me to use the equipment he told me afterwards he would be measuring me -I ran like i was trying run off the treadmill and out of the building ..not even gonna lie contemplated pulling the fire alarm -Anyway I will fast forward to the convo :
( went something like this )
“Are you comfortable taking you shirt off and just being in your sports bra to measure ? -god -man
Grunt-me
“What ? ” god-man
“um yes here ” Me ( took off shirt and handed to him -poor guy looked like I handed him a dead cat -pinched my shirt and put it on the table )
and now begins the strange looks from Tom
and then he measures :
“Ok you are ..” Tom
“Don’t tell me ” Me (I said this way too fast and loud btw )
“What ?”
“Head in then sand right ?? “-Insert nervous laugh ..cackle ?
“But this is for you “
“I am good ..thanks ” Cackle ( ?)  again.
“How will you know results ? “
” Its all good. “
****strange looks from Tom***
Wrestling away from him I grabbed my shirt -“thanks ” And used my new found sprinting skills to get the hell out of there ..
OHH i almost forgot …in the beginning of this “session ” he offered some words of wisdom ( as he put it ) and encouraged me to take notes :
This is how distracted I was :
wl
Makes no sense to me …
ANYWAYS fun fitness stuff :
:
There’s an old saying that goes, ‘Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper,’
fc4d52cb6dabf4165fa93b435c9972cd
c26263ea83a4e6634f181268fdc63512
5fc98c9546cad90bef78125f3a098e5a
52b4c9ef76a225cfaaed7aa153297da7
Have a lovely day !!

Randomness

My girlfriend and I were emailing back and forth about random shit- thought I would share:

We both agree MOIST is the worst word in the English language-right up there with prowl,  pawing ( referring to groping ) and lisp ( I added the last three she may not agree )

Upper Crust may be the best place on earth on a hot friday afternoon -I recommend the red wine ( Im pretty sure it is boxed ) and the “lite ” pizza ..nothin but net with that combo

When responding to texts from a lady it must be done quickly (-wtf are you waiting for ? _A 15 minute grace period -bathroom -in the store -etc is given -but that is it ..all violators will be ignored for days afterwards.

Work sux on a Friday ..period ..all you want to do starting at 8AM is leave and you have to wait until 5.

ANYWAYS …random fun fact I have know taken my “love ” ( narcotic behavior ) of David and begun to shop ..I have sent three packages in three days and two letters -they include food, used books, love notes from max, poems, clothes ( thrift store -Im broke remember )  I also use this as an excuse to call .

“did u get my package ?”

” Mom its 6AM here .”

“sorry hun love ya ” ( hang up )

This is make sure he is alive and you cannot get mad at someone who is checking to see if you got the gift they sent 🙂

OHHHHHH I need help !!

Random pics :

I DO NOT WANT THIS EVER :

not

 

ORGASMIC

orgasmic

 

Well I’ll be damned ..puttin down the fork and getting the glass 🙂

funny

 

AND ANOTHER :

 

funny

 

Happy Friday all !! XOXO

funny

 

You are up Ken ..

So this is post is 100% dedicated to my dad ( well my dad and Holly as she is mentioned or at least  thought of in memories -when I say I remember I mean she remembers too ..yes she does ..YES HOLLY YOU DO )

all the while trying not to be my mother I have become my father ..(I know now I see Max and he is the great frontier I have never known or experienced and am loving really no shit learning  …BUT Dave I got from day one ..)

( Holly actually said this to me I had to stifle the laugh ..hunny you have been k fuss since you were born ..but I digress )

I have  a GREAT relationship with my mom now ..we talk usually twice a day and I do not want to A. find a ditch to put her body in and B. find a ditch to put my body in ..so we have moved on from my teenage/20’s years ..I actually use her advice and we vent to one another ..

now my pops who I have loved hook line and sinker since day one and when I say day one i mean it ..he has been my rock, my core , my everything even AFTER I hated ( we hated I know dad you never hated my mom, I know you loved her for giving you us kids ..I did hear convos though so …anywho ) my mom ..BUT again tan git much Steph ? SOOOO after all these years I have sworn I would not be my mother -she is great BUT as a child she was really never there and by there I mean she was harmful-and damn it all to hell I have become my father ( again never thought this would be a bad thing BUT it is -warning Dave and Max all the while you think your dad is so great and so wonderful be aware you will become him the good the bad and ugly -hopefully not the gut -AGAIN I DIGRESS -I know I KNOW YELLING I KNOW your mom is crazy that horrid women that she is but remember lesser of two evils-just a thought )

Reasons I am becoming/now k fussell..( this is where you leave us/me inside family shit )

1. I work out and am not satisfied ..I run in the AM is that enough ?? ohh no no I have work out at work with weights or do squats cuz one time is never enough ( insert dirty joke here and BTW dad maybe that’s why women keep coming back ?? and then leave and come back ? ohh I am LMAO and puking at the same time )

2. When watching a show ( even bad ) I will stick with it to the VERY end ..I literally think I have come this far surely it will make since ( this is what my father used to say when I was a kid and even now ) “I am committed now ” actually were his words ..

3. There is NO WAY in gods green earth my children will behave like assholes in public ..infact when they do they get the Ken F look and are “taken out back ” funny story ..Max ( gotta love his gusto ) told me in a store  ” Dont give me that look when I ask you mommy I have been good all week ”

4. I miss dave I miss dave I miss dave ..did I tell you I miss my dave ?? ok my dad did not miss his kids ( they -me -never gave him a chance we kept coming back ) BUT I pulled a K f ( Ken Fussell not keep fucking up 🙂  and btw fucking up is now one word for those counting ) I called dave and told him he could have some $ I told him ..and by him I mean his answering machine do we call it that anymore ?? I think now its called voice mail ..anyway ” Hey kiddo I would like to spent some money on you can you take yourself out or make yourself feel better ( so KF )take ur self out to dinner take a friend … his words and I shit you not via text ( I checked my phone to do it perfect )  :  i will make it ….mom….i am ok ..i love you ..( okay i added the I love you he never texted that BUT can I dream ?? )

and then I realized I may be my dad BUT my son is too and this leaky row boat has some pretty good people aboard ….row damn it row we might be doing circles in the lake but atleast we are moving…

Naked and loving it

NO not in that way ..BUT as anyone who knows us knows we are a house of nudist so its a fair assumption..

I have to tell you my google search ..dont ask why I looked but i did and I realized it really does reflect my feelings lately ..and again please no judgement this is the “naked ” truth 

this is my search record :

-how to divorce financially  ( ken you would laugh at the ways ) 

-how to grocery shop cheaply 

-how to encourage your four 4 year without a conversation ( no shit i typed that in ) 

-hostels that allow toddlers in CO

-Jobs and resume writing 

-saving money daily 

-if I dream it it will come 

LMAO …this is where I am at ..answers ?? anyone NOT google ?? 

My name is Stephanie and I am a cheater and a liar

I stood in the shower this AM feeling very sorry for myself. In the last week so many “disasters ” have happened ..each time I have allowed myself a 5 min pity party then moved on HOWEVER this AM was my last straw -I have had it with the bad luck shit and its very difficult for me to stay afloat ..  MUCH less positive -details of these crisis’s are not important but they range from extreme financial difficulty ( a move that may or may not happen -meaning ten days with no home  and a car that may or may not make it daily to briefly name a few ohh and Max’s school as raised tuition) , to Job hunting for me ( I will make more money ) all the while putting out fires for a certain now college goer  ( this is tough 1000 of  miles away especially not to WORRY 24/7 ) Oh and did I tell you my medical bills are now due and over 40, 000??

ANYWHO this all lead me down a fun path of why me’s and why am I being punished god ? And how come it is always so fuckin hard ..then it hit me in the shower ..like a ton of bricks ..

I am a cheater and I lie -this is why my life is out of control -I cheat/lie  daily. Let me list the ways I found myself to be naughty and therefore caught by karma :

1. I cheat at my diet -daily. Example I drink the beet juice ( i know everyone puke ) out of the can and do not record calories-I dont record as much coffee as I actually drink and Im not sure running ( jogging ) counts as THAT many burned of calories. I also don’t add olive oil calorie count or maybe -ok def- the last bite of max’s nutella waffles.

2.Chris knows half the shit that really goes on when he is gone . Max eats in the bed ..I do a crumb check every AM to hide evidence. Hell I eat in the bed. ( This would be appalling to Chris) .We really don’t do many dinners it’s mostly a grazing of food for three hours. ( Chris is a firm believer -and right -in family together dinners promote good manners.) We also listen to highly explicit lyrics when he is gone and dance  to the tunes while Max is in the bath creating more puddles on the floor then one should be allowed and we usually mop up with Chris’s towel-it dries by the time he comes home . This led me into the thought that we also play with play-doh ( Chris banned this toy months ago ) and I have to vacuum to hide the evidence. The upside of this is I can play the role of look how hard I worked AND vacuumed the living room last night while you were at work .  Not sure if all this is cheating him out of the truth or downright living a whole new life when he is gone ..either way no bueno.

3. I cheat Max ..( and Dave when he was this age -not so much though I had WAY more energy back then .)

I have said on any given Saturday -the pool , Mcdonalds, the park , the roadways , Dollar tree etc are closed ( Did I mention I said this at 3PM on Sat?? )

I have also declared time and time again :

” Twinkies ( or anything I deem disgusting ) are made from whale fat and if you ever eat them you are eating Shamu .”

” The mothers handbook insists I give you ( insert whatever awful thing they don’t want from broccoli to spankings ) it was given to me by the doctors when you were born and I have to follow it . ” On a funny note David used to go looking for the handbook hahhahha I told him if he ever found it I could get into DEEP trouble by the mommies association -he bought it hook line and sinker ..:) DO YOU SEE WHY KARMA IS REARING ITS UGLY HEAD …

” If you don’t eat /go to bed /brush teeth (whatever I am trying to get him to accomplish ) you will not grow and therefore never be able to go to college . ” ( I did this with Dave too I made college seem like THE COOLEST THING EVER -now I am regretting that -I wish Dave NEVER would EVER go to college..sick isn’t it ?? I need help )

I’m sure I cheat, lie and steal in other ways but these are the BIG three ..

and on that note :

funny karma funny 3

 

 

 

Happy Friday

Anyone have any fun plans ?

NOT ME 😦 BUT I do have some very important goals I would like to accomplish ..

Goal One : DO NOT FIGHT WITH CHRIS -while it has been fun to invent new words that mean fuck you you asshole Im kinda over fighting, pouting , the silent treatment and all that jazz..in fact Im thinking moving back to Cali might be a better solution however in the travel time to get there I am sure I would think iof a perfect comeback to his last insult and have to fly back and tell him ..aww the joys of marriage.

Goal Two: LOOK FOR A PLACE TO LIVE ( yes with Donkey ass, I mean that dude , I mean my husband of 13 years ) We HATE our apartment and we are month to month now so our rent is up to 300 more .. we need to move. Although I will miss the exotic smells of my neighbors ( this is not sarcasm they can cook and they love Max so they share ) I will not miss the frequency of police visits and the fire department that comes for one apartment weekly -okay that’s a lie I will miss the firemen.

Goal Three : SPEND ONE WHOLE DAY NOT COUNTING CALORIES. This MAY include but not limited to : WINE , BREAD, CREME BRULEE ( YES I SAID THAT ) FRENCH FRIES -MCDONALDS -FUCK OFF IM DOING IT 🙂 AND LETS SEE WHAT ELSE ?? BUTTER !!

Anyone else have goals ?? I might steal and add to my list 🙂

 

Have a wonderful weekend friends ! 🙂